Relentless Flying Monkeys
The monkeys fly, and the narcissist cackles!
Why do narcissists use flying monkeys to do their dirty business, and what can you do? You can imagine it’s complicated as the monkeys think they are just protecting your abuser.
What are the antics of the flying monkeys, and how can you disarm them, thereby disarming the narcissist in your life?
What are Flying Monkeys?
We get up at 12 and start to work at one! Take an hour for lunch, and then at two, we’re done! Jolly good Fun. ~The Wizard of Oz
The flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz are used to project the force of the Wicked Witch. The book has an interesting back story about the monkeys, but we are more interested in the live flying monkeys in your life now.
What are Flying Monkeys? They are emotionally immature folks lured into service. Coercion involves triangulation by which the narcissist double-talks parts of the triad—the narcissist, the soon-to-be flying monkey, and the target—into doing battle. Grooming and dog-whistling are other tactics of the covert narcissist.
Monkeys are groomed over time to serve their master’s agenda. Narcissists use them to attack and manipulate you and shake your confidence. They smear you directly or indirectly. They pester you and spread untruths. Flying monkeys smear because this keeps the narcissist’s hands clean.
Flying Monkeys are perfect for covert narcissists since they like to stay undercover and not draw attention to themselves. The monkey does the dirty work.
Characteristics of Flying Monkeys
How can you tell if someone is a flying monkey? They will call you crazy. The narcissist tells others you are crazy. Since narcissists have limited ability to self-reflect, they believe that they are normal and there is nothing wrong with them.
Flying monkeys will twist the truth, gaslight, and break into your house (and leave the window open, proving they were there). Anything to pester you and leave the narcissist with an aura of innocence since all they did was set the monkey on to you.
Who becomes a flying monkey?
Those with strong narcissistic traits make excellent flying monkeys. When there is a co-benefit for both, look out. Expect them to tap out eventually, only when it is no longer in their best interest to persecute you to gain favor.
General neurotics (people with high anxiety or depression) are also flying monkey fodder. Narcissists enchant them and assuage anxiety to foment action that supports their agendas. This is similar to narcissistic abuse in the workplace.
Drama seekers! Narcissists are like tornadoes—everywhere they go, chaos ensues. This is because boredom is death to a narcissist (they might have to face their true self rather than their façade if they are bored). Being a flying monkey for a king narcissist is never boring, and drama seekers surround narcissists like Carrion.
Codependants are most likely to become flying monkeys. There is a magnet-like attraction between narcissists and codependants.
Family members make great flying monkeys because this is generational trauma, and extended families are full of entire narcissistic ecosystems. Not only is her dad a narcissist, but her grandmother, too. And her grandmother’s dad, too. Emotional immaturity runs in families.
I’m a Flying Monkey!
What should you do if you are a flying monkey? At the center of every monkey-narcissist relationship is a lack of boundaries. Boundaries are anathema to the narcissist, and they shit test at every opportunity to figure out whom they can bring into the fold.
If you think you are a flying monkey, try to say no even once. Check out the response. After the disbelief on the face of the narcissist passes, note how they try to manipulate you. If you are a flying monkey, take a vacation from the narcissist—say no for a week and see what changes in your relationship.
Disarm Flying Monkeys
How can you disarm flying monkeys? The best strategy is not to deal with them. Cut them off. Period.
Set boundaries. Good boundaries include limiting contact and actively excluding them from your life. When you discover the narcissist in your life, you cut her out of your life along with many other toxic people. Once you see the toxicity, ruthlessly trim contacts.
Cut out toxic people. To disarm flying monkeys, you have to be willing to lose friends and family. This is not cancel culture but an attempt to restore your reality.
Yellow rocking is the next step if you cannot cut the monkey out of your life. Emotionless one-word answers, minimal eye contact, and not reacting are key to protecting yourself from narcissists and flying monkeys.
Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys
Flying monkeys are expected in the final discard and sooner if your narcissist is crafty and quickly turns a codependent spectrum person into a monkey. The narcissist is always scheming and creating triangles where he lets a special friend or family member do the dirty work.
When healing from narcissistic abuse, you will find that more than half of your “friends” disappear as you no longer tolerate toxicity. Make these folks self-select out of your life. You recognize toxicity so readily that they run when they sniff a whiff of self-authenticity. Healing brings new friends and open, honest, and vulnerable conversations. You start to belong again.
Going no contact with narcissists and their flying monkeys is the only way to root them out of your life. You cannot change people; you can only protect yourself with internal and external boundaries.
Unfortunately, once you know about flying monkeys, you will see them everywhere. Who surrounds politicians, sports figures, and their entourage? Yup, monkeys are everywhere.
Why do narcissists have flying monkeys? Why do narcissists do anything—it gives them supply. It feeds their grandiosity, knowing they control someone. The monkeys fly, and the narcissist cackles!