Self-Acceptance in Retirement
Working people introduce themselves by what they do. When you retire, you introduce yourself and say who you are.
You have a different identity pre-retirement than when you retire.
As we shift from “what you do” to “who you are,” there are a few traps to watch out for. Your identity in retirement is who you are because there is no more what you do. The work of retirement is accepting who you are—finally, self-acceptance in retirement.
Identification vs. Self-Identification
Drop the mask and decide who you are personally. This is not identity (what you tell others you do for a living); this is self-identity (what I tell myself I do for a living).
Unpacking a little, identity is often important when you are career—or accomplishment-driven. Introducing yourself as a surgeon, physician, or family doctor is easy and convenient. You feel intimate as you pull down the mask on your face, the effect of the long white coat you earned.
Rather than focus on what you tell others, deciding what you tell yourself is most important. This is self-identification. Who are you once the mask of your career is pulled off?
Once you remove that career mask, you might search for your identity. What you did in retirement is not who you are now; it is all about who you are.
Who are you in retirement? What is your retirement self-identification?
“Who You Are” and Retirement Self-Identification
We all play roles in our careers. Some find giving up the Dr. title difficult, but it wasn’t for me.
This is a blog about money, and while money is important, folks who read this blog have oversaved and mostly figured out the money part.
While there is always some stress around finances when you hit the scarcity mindset—and you will once the paychecks stop—who you become has a different role to play. You are different from a doctor and different from money. Who you are is current and fresh. You got the money part solved.
Who are you in retirement? How do you find your retirement self-identity?
Finding Your Retirement Self-Identity
Finding your retirement self-identity might be your most important job in retirement. How do you show up?
This is about your worthiness now that you are a retiree. What a horrible word. A retiree. Yuck. My human capital is better today than ever at any stage before in my life!
In retirement, you expect to be asked to set “goals.” Goals to do this or that, to be busy with doing. While goals are important for “doing,” they are less important than your self-identity for “being.”
Some folks are “doing” their whole life, busy being busy. The safe default mode is to be busy, never stopping to consider what you are doing while you are busy. Shut it. I’m busy being a doctor.
That is a form of numbing that might lead to a horrible letdown in retirement. We all know the guy who died when he retired.
Don’t let retirement become an identity crisis. Once you retire, you lose the social support system that work provides. You are no longer sure who you are when you don’t know where to go in the morning or where to have lunch in the afternoon. And since you never get home, you don’t know what to do.
Retirement threatens self-worth, violently upending self-perception. Decide if “I’m retired” is who you are or how worthy you are. How do you self-identify?
How Do You Self-Identify?
How do you self-identify? Hopefully, with authenticity.
Stop for a moment and let the voice in your head answer this question: who are you? Are you a grandparent? Are you a golfer? Financially independent? “I’m a retired physician.” Do you still cling to the social status of what you did?
What is that voice saying inside your head? Don’t feel bad if you don’t have an immediate answer. Imposter syndrome is common in retirement, too.
Authenticity is:
- a choice
- a practice
- something to be cultivated every day.
Show up and be real, honest, and your true self. Remember, it is hard to see once you take the mask off. Culture wants you to fit in and people please. Be audaciously authentic; show up as your true, honest, and real self. How you self-identify has to be authentic.
Self-Acceptance in Retirement
Here is where the rubber meets the road. You are who you are. Unfortunately, it is sometimes difficult to find out who you are after years of wearing masks at work and home.
My people-pleasing and need-to-be-the-funny-guy started in middle school when I decided it was important to be cool, to “fit in.” That was the beginning of the end for me and a slow slide into shame and burnout in medicine.
I like to think of myself as an 18-year-old with a sliding door moment. In one moment, I stop at the train station and don’t go through the sliding door into my medical career. Who would I be had I not gone into medicine? Here is a question: if you could be 18 again and do it over, who would you be?
How to Unlock Self-Acceptance in Retirement
Self-acceptance requires work. Most of us have shame triggers around being perceived as selfish or narcissistic. We don’t want to be seen as overly self-involved, so we wear our masks.
To unlock self-acceptance in retirement, you must understand that it is alright to be audaciously authentic and take good care of yourself in retirement. It is not selfish for a retiree (yuck) to spoil themselves.
When removing the “I used to be someone” mask, remember to remove the long white coat, too.
Self-Acceptance in Retirement
Becoming your authentic self takes hard work; beyond self-acceptance, it includes self-love.
Loving yourself is not conceited, arrogant, or vain; it is the gift of self-acceptance for a “I used to be successful” kind of person.
Self-love, like self-acceptance, is a choice. You have to make it a practice and grow daily.
We create our life as we go. There is no path there; the path is made by walking.