Yellow Rocking the Narcissist in Your Life

Yellow rocking: it’s how you communicate with a narcissist. Based on the grey rock method, it is much more. It is polite—and judgment-proof.

The yellow rock method is necessary if you can’t go no contact and expect post-separation legal abuse. Some people have ex-spouses they are co- or parallel-parenting with, and there are other reasons you cannot eliminate the narcissist from your life.

Every text is presumed to be seen by the Judge. Maybe they will, but likely they won’t. What is better than effective judgment-proof communication?

What are the differences between Gray and Yellow Rocking, especially with the covert narcissist in your life?

Gray vs. Yellow Rocking

With Gray Rocking, you want to be as boring and unencumbered as a gray rock. It sits on the bottom of the stream (or, more likely, a raging river since we are talking narcissists). Nothing to see here. Not only no reaction but no response. A gray rock blends in and causes no excitement; thus, it is not a source of narcissistic supply.

Freedom lies between stimulus and response—if you want freedom, not only no reaction, no response.

Infographic: No Contact, Gray Rock and Yellow Rock Source

Yellow Rock Method

And Yellow Rocking? You are agreeable. Honey attracts more flies than salt. You want to be honey-sweet with pleases and thank yous and remember, everything you say is admittable in a court of law. Freedom lies between stimulus and response.

Be at your absolute best! After all, if you are choosing yellow rocking, you likely have kids. How do you want to be seen in their eyes and the eyes of the court? Be your best.

If allowed in court, it shows that instead of giving the narcissist the cold shoulder, which grey rocking requires, you are communicative, polite, and always demand the best for your children.

The nice thing about yellow rocking is being kind and telling the truth. When they are being passive/aggressive or when, of course, they heap on projections or manipulations, you can turn the other cheek. Since they did it to set you off, do you think you should get set off? Just do it politely.

The narcissist doesn’t care if they are abusing you; pointing it out to them will not stop the abuse. It doesn’t stop the dog whistling or the flying monkeys.

Past radical acceptance, stop trying to change the narcissist and yellow rock.

Imperative to Yellow Rock

Let’s look at the skills that are necessary to yellow-rock the narcissist in your life:

Be on the path to healing
Work with your inner child
Know radical acceptance that this, too, shall pass
Think of yourself first, the kids second, and the courts third, and you still get to be polite to the narcissist without falling for her escapades and attempts to make you a narcissistic supply
Reply occasionally to the facts non-emotionally and ignore the non-facts
When accused, respond with “You know that is not true” and leave it at that
Before you “go on stage,” take a deep breath and remember to be your best self
Know what to expect (they are amazingly predictable. They read the textbook, and should you)

Common Yellow Rocking Phrazes to Remember

Yellow Rock Method. Think that you are sitting here and know the right thing to say.

If you are going to master the yellow rock method, consider saying:

That ok, it’s fine, it’s not true, but that’s ok
I think we are going to agree to disagree
I want to hear what you are saying, but maybe you are angry or sad, or maybe with the emotions being so high, now is not the time to talk
Remember cortisol shuts off your neocortex and makes it physiologically impossible to hear and respond
I’m not sure this topic is important right now. Is it ok if we talk about it again in a week?
While I know you like playing the victim, you know we have talked about this many times. Since we have previously resolved this conversation (or had it 100’s of times), it is emotional abuse to continue bringing it up time after time to gaslight me into believing your version of reality instead of mine and then try to convince me that I’m the crazy one

Many more versions are possible depending on how the narcissist in your life spins the truth.

Yellow Rocking and Co-Parenting

Child custody complicates everything. It is why you are Yellow Rocking instead of Gray Rocking.

But it is what it is, and yellow rocking is an important skill while co-parenting with a narcissist. You must yellow rock that high-conflict individual. You do it for the kids.

The goal: don’t be a supply and be judgment-proof.

Give no emotion, like you were communicating with a boss. You get your point across but are not considered cold. When narcissists realize they cannot provoke or manipulate you, they become uninterested and find a different source of supply.

Summary—Yellow Rocking the Narcissist in Your Life

You have the fortune of being authentic when Yellow Rocking the narcissist in your life. You get to be your best self, and you get to act that way. It is what you want the kids to see and the court to see, and it is fine if the narcissist also sees it because you are being real, honest, and truthful.

How do you want to show up in the world? Remember, people are watching, including your kids.

After all, communicating with a narcissist is like learning a foreign language—a little common courtesy goes a long way.